The Top Five Blackest Things About Easter Sunday

Happy Easter, mi gente! I know that by now everyone has left service and everybody is probably eating greens, lechon, congri, macaroni and cheese- maybe even some cornbread. You know that I couldn’t let today pass without bigging up the top five blackest things about Easter Sunday.

Let the church say, “Amen!”

There's nothing blacker than a pair of white patent leather dress shoes on Easter.
There’s nothing blacker than a pair of white patent leather dress shoes on Easter.

5. White Patent Leather Shoes 

Baby, you weren’t set unless you had a pair of these babies. Easter wouldn’t be Easter without them. You got that good click clack on all hard surfaces when you walked and if you could slide, Chiiiiiiiiile BYE! Did anybody else’s mama yell at them about how they were walking? I felt like I had on a new pair of tacones. I was GROWN, baby!

Ooooo Baby.. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas to that good ole press.
Ooooo Baby.. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaas to that good ole press.

4. Getting That Good Easter Press

Little black girls EVERYWHERE dreaded the hard press BUT the subsequent hair shake and bounce that ensued was well worth it.

Fresh Off The Press1
Fresh off the press!

It was all good until you sweated it out. Then, you just wanted to go home. Fuck everybody if you had to go visit people with your hair in a half fro with straight bangs.

Easter Service
When you really just need to go to church once a year.

3. Going To Easter Service When You Haven’t Been Since Last Easter

You put on your finest church attire for Easter service and you are nervous that your ass will spontaneously combust when you walk through the doors. It’s cool, baby. There 100 gazillion other congregation members who haven’t been back since then as well. All the ladies on the usher board are judging your asses and that’s fine. They are wearing nude pantyhose that don’t match their skin and  the fashion gawds have created a special place in hell for them. Besides, you don’t have to go to church every Sunday. You have Pastor on the main line because he’s your cousin.

Easter is about the hats.
When you didn’t come to church to play…

2. You MUST Have The Hat Of All Hats For Church On Easter Sunday

Jesus is the reason for the season but you came to church to slay and obstruct views of the pulpit. Pastor, choir and deacon be damned. You don’t care that Ephesians isn’t in the old testament. You are here to make a statement. You have on your best kitten heels with beads and bobbles and your rhinestone suit but Mother’s look IS NOT complete without your headpiece. Gon’ boo… we don’t need the word.. Just you in this hat! Yaaaaaaaas seeeeeeerve the people!

And the blackest thing about Easter is…

Easter Dinner
I, only, came for the food.

1. Going to your family’s house just for the food. 

Seeing your grandmaandnem is great and all but YOU just really came for the potato salad, greens and chicken. And dammit if your long-winded auntie is saying grace.You have to sit and hold your cousin with the sweaty palms hand while she goes through all the continents of Africa for this blessing. Relax. You have a good 20 minutes  to figure out your game plan on attacking this plate. Good luck with that!

Again… You can’t outdo black people!


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